Secret Sex Diary: the touch-me-not kinkster
A week in the sex life of… a polyamorous switch in London
A week in the sex life of… a polyamorous switch in London
One-night stands may be on the decline, but a new generation is giving us insight into the who, what, where and why of hooking up.
Letting us into the intimate details of a week in their sex life is a 26-year-old with a sniffing kink. Read on as they navigate the poly scene through dating apps, dungeons and WhatsApp chats...
Vital statistics:
Age: 26
Gender: non-binary
Relationship style: polyamory
Orientation: pansexual
This week in numbers:
Masturbation frequency: 0
Intercourse frequency: 0
Sex parties: 1
Thanks to depression and SSRIs my libido is low, so it’s rare I get the urge to masturbate or have sex. That doesn’t mean my sex life is boring though. I’m polyamorous and active in the kink community, currently single after a long-term open relationship.
As a non-binary person with dysphoria, I’ve never liked other people touching me sexually so my version of sex has always been a bit different to other people’s – I tend to give pleasure and my own sexual pleasure comes from masturbation or kink. Impact play (being hit on the skin with whips or paddles) specifically, sends me into a relaxed, blissed-out space and I’ve always been into smells, especially feet and sweat. Most people don’t get the sniffer thing, but nothing is sexier to me than the odours which come naturally from people’s bodies - it’s like someone’s life essence, distilled.
Since I broke up with my ex, I’ve been more hesitant to get into things physically with people so I’ve not been doing many kink sessions with people I don’t know or who haven’t been strongly vetted first. When it comes to the BDSM scene in London, the good parties are invite-only: you can only go if someone can vouch for you and your behaviour. I like this because it means you can turn up to the dungeon and feel safe - the bigger, open-to-all parties just don’t have the same friendly vibe.
As someone with quite a niche set of sexual interests, I also spend a lot of time messaging on apps or on kink Whatsapp groups but that’s more about community than hooking up.
Monday
I’m in a Whatsapp group for a weekly kink party pre-drinks. I found it through the queer app Lex and although I’ve never gone to the party, the notifications are constant - there are almost 400 people in it. At this point, it’s mostly for sharing nudes and party recommendations.
Today everyone is sharing the leather looks they wore over the weekend. I try to not click on the disappearing nudes because I’m not sharing my own, so it feels disrespectful, but I take notes on what everyone’s party looks are atm. Seeing a lot of red latex atm, so I start looking up some gloves and put them on my mental wishlist for the next time I want to extort a man who harasses me on a dating app…
Tuesday
Sam* ended up in my Instagram DM requests again, sending a “powerful” response to a selfie on my Story. I’m momentarily tempted to set up a session with him out of boredom - and on the off chance if I can get him to buy me a Balenciaga Le Cagole bag, but I figure he doesn’t even know what that is.
A few months ago, when I briefly set my Hinge preference to include men, the app delivered Sam to me: an investment banker guy who I liked on a whim (I mean, they’re always kinky, right?) and we ended up matching. We had briefly talked about me doing a domming session with him. As a way to satisfy his degradation kink, I’d occasionally drop him a text shaming him for how much of a loser he is - specifically, he’d always ask me to make fun of what he saw as his premature ejaculation problem.
Normally, I don’t take requests but I thought it would be good to keep him sweet so I would maybe get some payment or gifts from him later, as he was pretty open to fin-domming as a concept. In case you don’t know, fin-domming or financial domination is a form of BDSM where your sub shows their devotion by giving you money in exchange for humiliation.
He looked like a promising candidate but he got kind of obsessed and didn’t really get how to behave as a sub, sadly. He started being pushy about meeting up, so I unmatched. He found me online and still sends my thirsty Instagram DMs sometimes. And I guess today’s one of those days.
Wednesday
I’m talking to a couple on the app Feeld again. I’ve always identified loosely as poly and have done the solo poly thing, done the open relationship thing, done the poly partnered thing but the thing that’s trickiest with ethical non-monogamy ENM is trying to find a decent couple to date. I’m always looking to find a nice couple or throuple to strike up a regular thing with, but they’re pretty thin on the ground.
Yet maybe there’s hope here. Rather than pictures exclusively from sex parties, this duo has some wholesome couple pics on their profile and there’s absolutely zero mention of threesomes or unicorns in their bio. Could it be that they’re actually looking to date, not just a hookup? Since they look so promising, I give them my number and they set up a Whatsapp group between the three of us, sending me a nude of the two of them together as a first message. It’s a bit forward - I’d told them I need to see what their vibe is like first and I want a regular thing - so I ask them to send me a voicenote telling me cute stuff about their day. If they respond well, they pass the vibe check. So far, still waiting…
Thursday
Drinks with people from my day job, no opportunity for kink today :)
Friday
A cute bioscientist matches with me on Tinder after work and we’re messaging to potentially go for a drink that night. She’s demisexual and says she doesn't want a hookup. I tell her that’s cool, because I’m not into hookups either, but I fall asleep and wake up at 9.30pm. I text her to say it would still be cute to meet up but she’s already in her pyjamas. Netflix it is!
Saturday
I’m going to an invite-only dungeon thing, intrigued mostly by the fact that there is going to be catering (???) and the two people organising asked everyone’s dietary requirements beforehand. It’s about fifteen or so people, a good portion of whom I met at a leather dyke picnic meetup in the summer.
In the past, I’ve mostly preferred to find a domme who I can trust and develop a romantic friendship with. We would meet up, have a session and then cuddle and watch cartoons as aftercare. I’m hoping to find someone who I get on with that I can have a similar set-up with.
On the day I'm running late, so miss a good portion of the warm-up socialising before people start heading into the playroom. When I finally locate the dungeon - walking past offices to head to a converted warehouse in South London - I walk through the door of the reception area and am met with lots of lovely, semi-naked people and fully-clothed waitresses handing out canapés.
I tell everyone I'm not sure about whether I'm up for playing and keep my eyes out for any potential dommes. Most of the time, I'm watching - asking individuals in the playroom if they mind if I watch while they are pummelled with whips or stuck full of needles.
However, when I go back to the food and drinks table, I spy a femme reclining on the couch area in the reception. She's with a group, and I'm getting major domme energy from her, so I head over. Offering to get her anything to eat or drink, she quickly gets the power dynamic at play - commanding me to lick her thigh-high boots. I gratefully oblige.
I lose sight of her for the rest of the afternoon but we walk back to the station together after the party ends and exchange numbers afterwards. I’m relatively optimistic about the prospect of hanging out and, potentially, organising a session.
Sunday
It’s the day of rest, so I have no sex party shenanigans to share! I have stomach cramps though so I suspect my period (and subsequent dysphoria) is about to start and I vaguely contemplate masturbating to ease some of the pain. I decide against it. I’m pretty meticulous about sex toy cleanliness (I clean them after each use with sterilised water, as you should too!) and don’t feel like bringing my rabbit down to the kitchen sink for a wash when I can hear my flatmate bumbling about making brunch with her boyfriend.
Tune in next month for the next edition of Secret Sex Lives. Want to take part? Email megan.wallace@itv.com. Check out the rest of our sex and relationships content here.
